I Kant Haz Homskooling

***Before you read the following post, be warned - I am not pro-homeschooling. I will say I’m sure it can work for a select few, and I know my personal experience doesn't mean everyone else had the same ordeals, but in theory, I find it irresponsible. If you don’t think you can handle a contradicting opinion, I would direct yourself to http://icanhas.cheezburger.com/ where you can find things that will keep you busy for a while.***

I was homeschooled for nine years. If you’re a casual acquaintance of mine and I didn’t mention this to you, you’re now probably thinking “Oh that makes sense.” I scream former homeschooled kid like Chris Christie screams when you take the last slice of pizza. Looking back on this large block of my academic years (grades two through ten to be precise) I am left with one overwhelming statement: What the hell were my parents thinking!?

I find homeschooling hilarious in nature. Needing absolutely no background in education whatsoever, a parent can choose to “play school” with their child(ren) needing nothing more than the will to do so (this is the case in Massachusetts - I know the laws vary by state, but as a whole, they are too loose). Fun fact: According to US News article from a few years ago (http://www.usnews.com/news/religion/articles/2009/01/09/as-home-schooling-surges-the-evangelical-share-drops), approximately 83% of homeschoolers are educated due to moral and/or religious reasons. That is exactly why my parents decided to homeschool my brothers and I. When I was in first grade, my hometown announced they were going to try out a special grade school sex-ed program (this is how I remember it mind you, but I was seven and I’m sure I don’t know the whole story), and that paired with the impending evolution lessons were enough to get the Barbour Schoolhouse open for business.

Here is how an average day would go: School started at 8:30AM, in theory. My brothers and I often took advantage of my mother’s absolute inability to serve as a disciplinarian, delaying like the evil little brats we were. Once we did finally get going, we began with a daily prayer. From what I recall, my brothers and I would take turns in this ritual. I know on days we really didn't feel like getting to work we’d miraculously have a lot to say to God. After this was done, my mom would usually send me to my room to work while she began a lesson with my little brothers. Sometimes I got her attention first, but it was rare as I was far easier to motivate independently than my brothers. I would go to my bedroom, choose any subject I felt like (usually English/Reading), jump into my bed to read my assignment, and often fall asleep after a few pages. I actually chose my English textbook so often that I finished well ahead of any of the others (like by January), whereas my math, history, and science books would get about as much individual attention as a Gosselin sextuplet. All of our textbooks were religious, from the Bob Jones University. They were designed for parents to step into the role of Christian school teacher at the flip of a page. My mom relied way too heavily on these books to perform their magic teaching powers. I was rarely tested or quizzed, had to write a grand total of one paper in nine years, and absorbed very little of what I was taught in the subjects that my mother herself was weak in.

Economics class was the best. Every day, promptly at 11AM, my brothers and I would all be taught by the same old man...his name was Bob Barker. The Price is Right was one of the only real constants in my homeschooling. To be fair, my mother called this our “lunch hour” (which was usually 120 minutes), not really economics. My mom would make us something to eat, and we’d all have fun yelling at the screen and trying to be the one to fake win the showcases at the end. It seemed perfectly okay at the time, but now I look back on it as such a disgusting waste. I believe that my mother really did try for a while, but it was her lack of training and discipline that ultimately hurt my brothers and I. To do almost anything professionally, at least some professional training is required. Why is it our society seems to be okay with omitting a child’s education from that list?

Some might argue that I’m being too harsh on my mother - she gave up nine years of her life to stay at home and slave away for her three kids. I don’t agree - I take education seriously (now!), and she should have known she wasn't capable of taking the schooling of three energetic boys into her own hands. There were way too many days spent not maximizing the opportunities given in this setting. She knew things weren't right, she had to - but it took her way too long to do something about it. When she finally did, and my father (who worked full time) got the real scope of what was or wasn't going on, my brothers and I were sent back to school - a private Christian school of course (another post is coming on that experience).

Aside from the educational disadvantages, there were also the social setbacks. As much as I got involved with groups of neighborhood kids, church programs, and sports teams, I was always on the outside. Let me tell you starting your junior year of high school after nine years of homeschooling is about as scary as it gets. How I made any friends in my final two years of high school is a testament to some of my wonderful classmates in the Whitinsville Christian School class of ‘02.

I really believe anyone seriously thinking about homeschooling their child(ren) should think long and hard about the negative consequences. I’m sure there are some parents who are extremely intelligent, but being smart does not a teacher make. I knew plenty of college professors who were brilliant people but couldn't teach if their life depended on it. And for those parents that are trained teachers, there is still the social deprivation children go through being taught at home. There are undoubtedly more social opportunities in school, good and bad. I think many parents choose homeschooling out of an ignorant fear - a fear that they will no longer control what their children are learning. Fear that their opinions and beliefs will get outweighed by the information children are taught in school. Fear that they will have to explain things that even they don’t fully understand, and in some cases don't fully believe themselves. Well to these folks I can say this confidently - you can’t shield your children forever, and if you do for too long, your children might end up looking back in anger, wishing they were taught in a more traditional way. I do almost every single day.